


I Tear My Heart Open (Just To Feel)

by emorion



Series: Alex Manes Protection Squad [1]
Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Bisexual Kyle Valenti, M/M, No actual sex, breif mentions of Michael/Maria, just talking, mentions of Michael/Alex, panromantic Kyle Valenti, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 02:49:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18459911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emorion/pseuds/emorion
Summary: Alex resigned that since he and Kyle were apparently tearing themselves open and spilling their guts tonight, he might as well continue.





	I Tear My Heart Open (Just To Feel)

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I wrote to make myself feel better after 1x11 and to get pumped for 1x12. Malex is my OTP but if Mikey's going to have a relationship with Maria, Why not Kylex?  
> Title is from Papa Roach's "Scars"

Alex had been waiting for Kyle for thirty seven minutes and forty five seconds when the doctor finally strolled out of the hospital. His hair was wet and his skin was flushed, suggesting he had just finished showering.

"You been waiting long, Manes?" Kyle smirked as way of greeting.

Alex scoffed. "Your shift ended thirty minutes ago."

"Chill, man. My patient went into cardiac arrest." Kyle waggled his eyebrows at Alex. "I saved his life, Manes."

"Congrats," Alex said, rolling his eyes. "Way to do your job."

"Christ, dude," Kyle said, taken aback by Alex's attitude. "Are you ok?"

Alex didn't answer as they climbed into his car. Kyle was always asking that question these days, like Alex was some fragile thing that needed to be monitored. He's never been "ok", but he's got it handled.

As they pulled out of the hospital parking lot, Kyle studied Alex's face. The last time they were together, Alex had said he was trying to drink himself into a bender. Something was eating the soldier alive, and Kyle didn't like it. He didn't know if he was concerned as a doctor, or as Alex's friend. Either way, he hated the feeling he got in his chest everytime he saw the broken look in his childhood friend's eyes.

"Is there a reason we're doing this tonight?" Kyle asked after a couple minutes of slightly awkward silence. "Wouldn't you rather go to the grand re-opening of the museum? You loved that place when we were kids."

Alex glared at him then, and Kyle was sorry he asked.

"Look, Alex, I'm sorry if it seems like I'm prying-"

"That's exactly what you're doing!" Alex snapped. "We are saddled together by this mission right now, and that's the only thing that matters! This! The present! Not the past that I can't seem to escape! If you want to go to the gala and relive the 'glory days', or whatever, go ahead. But I've got more important things to worry about."

Kyle looked as shocked as Alex was at his outburst, but the doctor simply nodded and turned to look out the window.

After a while, Alex sighed heavily through his nose. He was so tired. Between Project Shepherd running him ragged and the situation with Michael weighing on his mind, he wasn't sleeping much. He knew Kyle was trying to make up for the past, but sometimes it was all too much.

Alex couldn't relive those bittersweet memories at the museum. The days that he and Kyle would spend looking at the same exhibits they'd seen a thousand times before, because it fascinated Alex more than anything else. Alex's first summer working there, learning way more about the exhibits than he had as a patron. The first time he had been kissed by the boy that he'd been crushing on for months. He was excited about the re-opening, until he heard that Isobel was behind it. Surely that meant Michael would go to support her, and Alex wasn't sure about being in THAT museum with Michael again. Not after everything that he's learned, and not when Michael was planning on leaving for good.

Shaking his head, Alex focused on the road.

\---------------------------

When they got to the cabin, Alex basically flew down to the bunker. Kyle was suprised at how quickly he moved down the latter, as if it had become second nature. That meant that Alex had been spending a lot of time down here. Which was not a good sign.

"How often are you down here?" Kyle asked, tracing a patch of spackling where the wall had been patched. There were now several just like it around the room.

"I want to make sure we have everything we need." Alex explained. "We don't know if that piece was the only one." He didn't want to admit that he had spent nearly all of his free time searching the saferoom for more of those pieces.

Kyle glanced at him skeptically. "I don't think my dad would have hid everything separately."

"Yeah, because you knew him so well." Alex spat, and that was enough for Kyle.

"Look, I know I was a jerk to you when we were younger, but I'm trying really hard here!" Kyle yelled. "I'm trying to be a better person! Someone who would make him proud. Like you did."

Alex looked at Kyle then, reading the open expression on his face. Guilt washed over him like a tidal wave.

"I'm sorry, Kyle," Alex sighed. "I'm really messed up right now." The confession surprised him. He was not acting like himself, he could feel it. Everything he was holding in was creating a painful pressure in his chest. No matter how much he worked to keep his mind off things, the treacherous thoughts prevailed. It was only a matter of time before the storm in his head would blow the operation.

Kyle looked at the floor, then back at Alex. "I meant what I said in the bunker, Manes," he said quietly so that Alex wouldn't go off again. "I'm here if you need to talk. I want to be someone you can talk to." And it was true. Kyle wanted to be there for Alex again like he was when they were kids. Before he made the biggest mistake of his life so far and shunned his closest friend.

"You are," Alex sighed. "You're the only person I've told about my dad."

An incredulous look took over Kyle's face at that. It couldn't be true. "Guerin knew, right?"

Alex shrugged. "If he did, he never said anything."

"What about Liz?" Kyle reached, and Alex shook his head. "Maria?"

Alex looked incredibly devastated. "I didn't want to burden anyone."

Shaking his head, Kyle sat on the bed next to Alex. "If I'd known back then-"

"You wouldn't have been able to do anything." Alex had thought about it many times. What if someone walked in on his dad whacking him in the back with a tree branch. What if someone heard the cruel things his father called him. Only once had anyone else witnessed Jesse Manes with his hands around his son's throat, and the sergeant made sure Michael was too afraid of him to squeal. "Jesse would have twisted everything around. He's always been so good at that."

Kyle was in disbelief. "I could have been nicer to you," he said, chasing Alex's eyes with his own.

Alex shook his head and stood up from the bed. He didn't need pity then, and he didn't need it now. He walked over to the dresser where he had put a few notes and drawings he had found in the drawers and stuffed them into a folder. "Let's get to the bunker," he told Kyle as he started climbing up the latter.

\--------------------  
The sun had set by the time they got to their make-shift headquarters. Alex immediately got to work on the computer, scanning the things he found at the cabin for more clues. Kyle was looking through his dad's journals when he glanced up and caught Alex downing a beer and staring at that stupid picture of Guerin.

Kyle had no idea what Alex saw in the angry cowboy. Sure, Guerin was handsome in that rugged, down-and-dirty, smells like danger sort of way. But Alex could do way better than the guy who drinks himself into a jail cell every other night. Although the soldier had taken to drinking a lot himself lately. Kyle suspected the day drinking was linked to the alien somehow, but he was honestly afraid to ask.

Regardless of how he was feeling, Alex was still able to code-break the hell out of that message. It was scary how well Alex hid what he was feeling and was still able to function. It was on the list of things that Kyle admired about Alex, a list that was getting longer everyday.

"Did you find anything else?" Alex asked, interrupting Kyle's thoughts.

The doctor shook his head. "Nothing yet." Finding his friend's eyes again, he added, "Honestly I'm having trouble focusing."

Alex huffed again, but it wasn't angry, just exasperated. Then he walked across the room to his cooler and grabbed two more beers. He handed one to Kyle and plopped down next to him.

"To legacy," Alex said sarcastically raising his beer for a fake toast. Then he took a long pull, then another, then another, until half the bottle was gone. When he looked over at Kyle, he caught the man staring at him. "What?" He asked.

"I want to ask you something," Kyle explained. "But I don't want to upset you again."

Alex opened his mouth to snap at him, but stopped when he noticed the worry in Kyle's eyes. He hadn't seen that look on anyone since prom night, and he certainly had never imagined seeing it on the man across from him. Fixing his expression, Alex motioned for Kyle to go ahead.

"Wow," Kyle started, blinking in suprise. "Ok, I wasn't actually expecting you to say yes."

Alex rolled his eyes, but he couldn't hide his smile behind his drink. Kyle noticed, of course, and his face lit up. He hadn't seen Alex smile like that since they were kids, and it caused his chest to tighten a little.

Sobering up, Kyle decided to ask the question that had been on the tip of his tongue since Alex got back from the Wild Pony.

"You talked to Guerin, didn't you?"

Alex sighed. Of course this is what had been bugging Kyle. He wanted to know if his love advice had been successful. Or maybe he'd noticed that it hadn't.

"Yes, I talked to Guerin." Alex leaned back in his chair, staring into his bottle. "It didn't go... quite as planned. Turns out I was going in with way less information than I thought."

This had Kyle leaning closer to his friend. He was honored that Alex was opening up to him, and genuinely curious as to what happened.

"Michael... I told Michael that I wanted to start over. I wanted to get to know him. To really talk to him and be...friends."

"Okay," Kyle said, "that is a good idea. Start as friends and work your way back up. Sound strategy."

Alex let out a self-deprecating chuckle and shook his head. "That's what I thought, too. But I was wrong."

The pull in Kyle's chest was back when he noticed the tears that Alex was holding back. He couldn't help but reach over and put his hand on the man's shoulder in support, and when Alex looked at him, Kyle nodded for him to continue.

"I don't have the time I thought I had," Alex whispered, voice breaking. "He's moved on, trying to-"

He couldn't bring himself to tell Kyle the details of Michael's revelations. The spaceship, Michael trying to leave the planet, his tryst with Maria that has probably become something more, because, come on! Have you met Maria? She and Michael have so much in common already, and she's fun and happy where Alex is strict and moody and indecisive...

"Hey now," Kyle interrupted Alex's despairing, suddenly sounding a lot like Jim. "I don't know much about your relationship with Guerin, nor do I understand it, really, but I've gathered it started in high school, right?"

At the airman's slow nod, Kyle continued, "I thought I loved Liz back in high school. Then I moved away. Met new people, had lots of other relationships, and realized that she and I were never meant to work."

Alex scrutinized Kyle's face for a second, but before he could comment, his companion spoke again. "When she came back to Roswell, we, well, you know. Adults /can/ do casual sex-"

"Spare me the details, Valenti!" Alex interrupted with a watery laugh.

"-and we did casual sex and it was fine!" Kyle trudged on. "No feelings, no connection, nothing. Just another hookup in a long line of hookups."

"Is there a point to this awkward anecdote?"

"The point, dude, is that we both had loves in high school that have been dormant for ten years," Kyle explained in one breath. "Mine is definitely over. Dead. Could not resuscitate. You? Yours is still alive, buddy. You still feel that connection." As painful as it was to admit, Kyle thought those were the words his friend needed to hear. But Alex looked ready to cry again, and that is definitely not what Kyle was trying to accomplish.

"I screwed it up again," Alex nearly sobbed, and Kyle could feel his heart breaking. "There is only so much walking away someone can take. And I've maxed out. Why should he wait for me a second longer when all I've ever done is string him along and then walk away? Why shouldn't he find something better?/Someone/better?"

"Why hasn't he in the past?" Kyle wondered. "You walked away for ten years, and Guerin wasn't in a single relationship. Ten years is a long time to be single."

"Maybe he hadn't found the right person."

"Because maybe that's you?"

"Because he had hoped it would be me," Alex blurted, throwing his hands in the air. "He waited ten years for me to be ready. Ten years and I'm still afraid that my father will destroy him just for loving me. Hell, ten years and I'm still not even sure I deserve the love of another person!"

And wasn't that the saddest thing Kyle had ever heard. This man strong, brave man had been abandoned by his mother, beaten by his father, hated by his brothers, bullied by his best friend, and screwed over by the apparent love of his life, and all in the short twenty-eight years of his life. No wonder he didn't think he deserved love.

Kyle stood up and went to the cooler for two more beers and so he could wipe at his eyes without Alex seeing. When he turned back to his friend, the man had his head in his hands. Kyle took his seat and put Alex's beer next to the empty bottle by his foot. He let the silence crawl on for a while before speaking again.

"Everything that's happened to you, how you've been treated, none of it is your fault." Kyle had thought about this a lot since deciding to make amends with Alex. How Alex probably blamed himself when Kyle stopped hanging out with him. How broken and unwanted Alex would have felt, feeling so close to someone and then being shoved away for no reason other than being himself. "Some people are just so obsessed with image that they can't picture anything considered different."

Alex seemed to notice Kyle's guilt in that statement, because he looked up and the doctor's eyes before staring in front of him, pensive. Kyle took that as a sign to continue.

"I should have never pulled away from you, Alex. We were best friends." Kyle traced the neck of his bottle with his thumb, contemplating his next words. It was a gamble, but if Alex was being open and brave, then he deserved the same out of Kyle.  
"I loved you," he shrugged, looking everywhere but Alex now. "You and I were inseparable because I wanted to be around you all the time. You were fun. Y-you understood all of my feelings even when I didn't. We made a good team."  
"When you came out, I panicked. Did that man I was gay? I couldn't have been gay. I had the biggest crush on Lavagirl and when Lacey Stevens kissed me under the bleachers in 8th grade, I liked it. So I couldn't understand why I was so uncomfortable with you being gay. You liked boys and I liked girls. But I loved you, too. It didn't make any sense to me at the time."  
"The other boys at school were always so mean to you. You weren't afraid to be who you were, and they punished you for it. I was afraid. And confused. So I pushed you away. And when I joined the football team, I wanted to be popular. I wanted the coolest friends and the prettiest girlfriend. I used bullying the one kid I knew the most about as a means to the top. And it worked. Grade A high school cliche, just like you said."

Kyle knew he had probably over shared when he looked over to find Alex staring at him with wide eyes. Feeling his cheeks heat up, he took a few pulls from his beer and decided he needed some fresh air. He said as much and walked outside, Leaving Alex alone to process everything he just heard.

Alex realized he was gay in sixth grade, just before school let out for the summer. He was sitting with his friends at lunch when Kyle mentioned how cute Claire Mainor was. Jealousy pulled at Alex's stomach all day until he eventually threw up on Kyle's bike on their way to the treehouse. Kyle was real upset about that, but not as upset as he was when Alex came out the August before ninth grade.

They had spent that whole summer together, going to the museum and the arcade. Together day and night sometimes, when Jesse had to go away on "top secret business". It was one of these nights, the last Friday of summer, that Alex had finally told his best friend his biggest secret. Kyle looked disgusted. He rolled over in his sleeping bag and stayed quiet, and was gone when Alex woke up. Kyle didn't speak to him again until winter, when Alex's new fashion sense had been noticed by the football team. And that's when his best friend became his bully.

Now Kyle was saying that it was fear that drove him away from Alex. His love was not quite un-requited back then, Kyle just didn't know how to accept that. He was just a confused kid trying to be as normal as he could. That didn't excuse his behavior towards Alex back then, but it did explain why mature Kyle was trying so hard to correct his mistakes. Hindsight is 20/20 after all, and if anyone should know that, it was Alex.

\----------------------

  
After what felt like forever but was probably only ten minutes, Kyle heard the door to the bunker open and close. Unsteady footsteps came up beside him and he looked over as Alex sat down next to him in the dirt.

"You think our alien friends came from any of the stars we can see?" Kyle asked, because he felt awkward and he asked stupid questions when he felt awkward.

"God, I hope not," Alex answered, sounding a little lighter than he had in weeks. "Hopefully they come from a planet much farther away. They're less likely to keep visiting that way."

"You don't mean that," Kyle teased, bumping the airman's shoulder with his own.

"You're right. I don't," Alex sighed. "I wish I did, though."

The silence was less awkward this time, both men staring up at the sky. Alex laid back with his arms behind his head and closed his eyes. He was playing a couple of conversations back in his head all at once. Michael at the junkyard. Maria in the bar. Kyle in the bunker. It felt like he was bled dry, all his secrets shared until he felt hallow. It wasn't necessarily a bad feeling, though.

"Is Michael the reason you didn't want to go to the museum tonight?" Kyle asked softly, once again breaking the silence as well as Alex from his thoughts.

Alex resigned that since he and Kyle were apparently tearing themselves open and spilling their guts tonight, he might as well continue.

"He is, yes. It's where we had our first kiss."

"Crap."

"Yeah. That place holds a lot of memories for us." Alex opened his eyes again and looked for his favorite constellation. "He would come at night when I was closing to make sure I got home safely. And he would bring me food sometimes for lunch and I'd sneak him into the break room sometimes to make out. Especially when Jesse was around. I could never let Michael come to my house or the tool shed, and dear old dad wouldn't be caught dead at some 'cheap tourist freakshow'."

Kyle started giggling at the irony. Jesse Manes, amateur alien hunter and professional freak show, hating on a measly tourist attraction depicting his very obsession. What an asshole.

Alex seemed to see the irony, too, as he didn't comment on Kyle's gigglefit.

"That and I don't want to risk seeing Michael there." He continued. "It would be too much right now, ya know?"

"That is completely understandable, Manes," Kyle teased. "Look at you having real life human emotions!"

The laugh Alex let out at that sounded punched out of him, and Kyle felt like his chest was going to explode.

"Can I ask you a question?" Alex asked, surprising Kyle yet again. Kyle shrugged and muttered an affirmative.

"How'd you come to terms with it?" Alex asked quietly, then clarified, "being bisexual, I mean."

Kyle laughed, "I never said that!"

"Well if you like women, and you like me, a man, that makes you-"

"Panromantic. I think. I've only ever liked one boy. Or, man, I guess," Kyle fumbled, "I mean, I have eyes. I can tell when a man is attractive, ya know? The same for women. If they're attractive, I'm attracted to them. I've only had relationships with women, But when it comes to falling for a person, I don't think gender matters to me."

The look on Alex's face was priceless. "Who are you?" He asked seriously. Then, out of nowhere, he burst out laughing.

His laughter was contagious and Kyle couldn't help but join in. Soon they were both laying in the dirt, faces and ribs aching from all the laughter. When they calmed down, Alex looked over at his friend again.

"Seriously though, how did you go from being super-homophobic-bro-jock to super-cool-you-do-you-pan-super-doc?"

Kyle laughed again. "Can that be my codename for the next mission, please?"

"Nah, Special Agent Magoo is the role you were born to play." Alex smiled.

"Fair enough," Kyle acquiesced. Anything to keep that look on Alex's face. "And this dude from my internship helped me get over myself."

Alex's eyebrows shot up, the question evident in his expression made Kyle laugh again.

"I didn't sleep with him!" Kyle grinned. "I was jealous of him. He was a second year resident at the hospital. He was so good at everything. Good looking to. Tall, muscular, great shoulders and jawline for days. And his hands! Don't get me started on his hands!"

They both fell into laughter again, but when they both settled, Kyle continued.

"He got all the best surgeries, all the surgeons loved him, not to mention the nurses, and he wasn't cocky at all. Like, he knew he was good, but he didn't like to brag about it like the rest of us did. And, I don't know, that bothered me? Anyways, I was a real jerk to him all the time because I wanted to be like him. The smart, confidant, sexy doctor that everyone liked." Kyle laid back in the dirt. " He noticed my dick behavior and called me out for it. But when he confronted me, he called me a homophobe. I immediately thought about high school and you, so I was confused because he definitely didn't go to school with us. Turns out he was gay. And he thought that I was being rude to him because of that. I had no idea he was gay! How could I? I had to explain to him that I was not being a homophobic dick, I was being a petty jealous dick. Which is only slightly less offensive and just as immature."

Alex, who had been giggling at different parts of Kyle's monologue, let out a giant laugh when he finished. "Then what happened?" He asked.

"He told me that I could be just as good once I accepted my true self." When Alex scoffed good-naturedly, Kyle said, "sounds like hippie garbage, I know. But he put me on the right path and we became good friends once I realized and came to terms with who I am. We still keep in touch. He's an ortho in Seattle now."

Kyle looked over at Alex who was watching him attentively and smiled. Alex smiled back, and it was the best feeling in the entire universe. The air was charged with camaraderie and understanding and something else when, at the same time, they both yawned, and the moment was gone. Laughing, they helped each other up and made their way back to the bunker.

"It's late." Kyle pointed out. "I gotta get home. I'll drive myself though." Kyle had left his car at the bunker the day before and had Alex drive him to his house so he'd have an excuse to run to work. Alex only had a couple beers, but he looked too worn out to drive. "You sleeping on that cot tonight, or do you want me to drive you home?"

Alex wordlessly pointed to the cot in the corner. He wasn't quite used to the feeling of a real bed yet anyway, and he wanted to be able to work if he couldn't sleep. There was a lot of new information to progress, so his mind would probably be buzzing for a couple more hours.

"You've got to try and get some rest, Manes," Kyle said as if he could read his thoughts. "You are the glue holding this operation together, and if you keep this up, I just might have to take charge."

Laughing, Alex walked over to the computer to turn it off and ensure he would at least try to sleep. "We can't have that, can we?" He asked, throwing a playful look at Kyle over his shoulder.

"Okay then," Kyle said, snatching up his keys and trying to ignore the warm feeling he was getting from that look. "I'm outta here." Sparing one last glance at his friend, Kyle noticed Alex staring at the computer screen again, and watched as he moved the cursor onto the red "x" and closed Michael Guerin' s file.

"Kyle?" Alex called right before the man could open the door. "Just- thank you. For your advice. And everything you're doing for the operation. And thanks for tonight. I heard everything you said, I just need time to-"

"Don't worry about it, Manes." Kyle cut him off. "You have a lot going on right now. I'm just happy to help where I can, be it with Project Shepherd or matters of the heart."

Alex smiled, small and shy. "I appreciate that, Kyle. Thank you."

Kyle smiled back. "Anytime, Manes." And he meant it. He was going to be there for Alex. He would never let him down again.

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE: I wrote a fic involving about Kyle and the dude that helped him get over himself if you're interested:  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/18642523


End file.
